It Feels Oddly Good To Hurt
by JustMeCelia
Summary: This oneshot is about Amy's feelings and thoughts after she gave her blessing to Kiam (slight AU: Amy didn't sleep with Liam because I'm deeply in denial about that). It's a quite angsty fic, but I hope you enjoy is anymway. The fic is inspired by the song She by the lovely Dodie Clark. Seriously, listen it it, because it's more than amazing and it plays in repeat on my laptop sinc


I walk through the halls, my hands in my pockets, shoulders drawn and eyes on the ground. I know exactly where my mind takes me and I sigh when I'm ten feet away from her locker and stop walking. I don't even know why I always walk to her when I don't know where to go. And today I feel especially lost, I don't know what to do. My eyes are still on the ground, resisting the urge to look at her, but I finally give in.

I lift my eyes and am welcomed by her back. She wears a black dress with red roses on in, complementing the auburn hair that falls down her shoulders, carefully braided. She stands there with her perfect figure, she's slightly smaller than I am and wears heels ever so often, so that we don't have a high difference. Today is one of those days. She wears boots with a small heel, obviously black.

_Am I allowed, to look at her like that?  
>Could it be wrong, when she's just so nice to look at?<em>

She stares inside her locker, probably wondering what her next lesson is and I'm almost moving further towards her when _he_ walks up to her. He equals Liam Booker, my nightmare and her daydream. Her boyfriend and the reason why I gave up going after her. I hate this guy. She turns to him and the next moment my hatred is replaced by loathing with a splatter of jealousy. Well … not just a splatter, a whole ocean of jealousy. Because when she turns to him she smiles this soft smile, this smile that once was reserved only for me, this smile that melts my heard and makes my stomach turn.

Get your shit together, Amy. She's your best friend, you should be happy that she's happy. But then again, Shane always says that I have to be selfish for once and think about my own happiness. I always thought that her being happy would make me automatically happy, too. But it turns out that I want to be the reason that she's happy, who would've guessed. I mentally slap myself for being sarcastic with myself again.

"Hey stranger, what's up? I haven't seen you in days." She stands in front of me, I haven't noticed her coming over to me. I look around, Liam is gone, I let out a sigh in relief, I hate talking to him.

"Oh nothing much, a lot of studying in the library, and I really needed to focus." And I needed to stay away from you, because you capture my mind like a monster that stole the most important part of me. But I can never tell you that, because you would think it's creepy.

"So you're done studying now? Because I kinda need my best friend for some special Netflix time." She hooks her arm in mine and starts walking, I can't do anything about it even if I wanted to. In exactly that moment I smell her typical odor and I close my eyes to take it all in.

_She smells like lemongrass and sleep,  
>She tastes like apple juice and peach.<em>

"Earth to Amy, I was asking you something." She waves in front of my face and I blink a few times to make my thoughts go away again.

"What? Sorry, I wasn't listening."

She eyes me carefully, looks me deeply in the eye to detect what distracts me, never will she know that it's her that captures my mind even when she's around. "I'm just wondering what up with you lately, you seem so distant, what's in that smart mind of yours?"

I feel my face heat up, oh please don't blush now, she shouldn't see anything. The weeks after the wedding where she pitied me for loving her were horror, I can't do that again. But why the hell did I give her my blessing for Liam … Liam … the thought alone makes me cringe.

"Amy!" This time she snaps in front of my face, my reaction is the same though. I blink a few times and look at her.

"What?"

She smiles at me and shakes her head, where are we headed anyway? It's lunch time, we should be heading to the cafeteria, but we're not.

"Where are we going if I may ask?"

She eyes me with a raised eyebrow, frowning a bit. "I told you, butt face, I was hoping to see you now, because I got lunch for the both of us, so how about eating outside?"

She continues dragging me along the school yard, "What about Liam, don't you want to eat lunch with him?"

She rolls her eyes and stops walking. "Amy, he's just my boyfriend and I saw him every day the last weeks, I miss my best friend, the person who means the most to me. I missed you."

Her voice make my heart jump and my whole body has this warm feeling spreading through it. I guess I started smiling, because she nudges my shoulder and smiles at me with this one smile, that smile that once was all mine and now I have to share it. Maybe it's not the fact that I have to share this smile, maybe it's the fact that I have to share it with _him_. What does she see in him? He has nothing to offer her. I remember the birthday card he gave to her, all it said was "happy birthday", but he's such a "poet" … yeah right. And I'm J. K. Rowling. I roll my eyes.

"Hey, are you alright? What are you thinking?" Karma sat down, I didn't even realize until now that we were already at our destination. I let myself fall down next to her. "You seem off, can you please talk to me? You're never this silent."

Damn, she's right, normally I talk more, but what am I supposed to say? I'm at a loss of words, I feel horrible, even though she sits next to me, even though she normally makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. "I'm fine, I swear, I'm just tired, and I kinda like it when you talk, so just keep talking." I say and the moment our eyes lock, my smile isn't faked anymore. I don't even care if my smile turns dreamy, I just want to look at her right now, rambling about her courses and what she did in the last days I purposely avoided her. Man, she's so damn beautiful, how can you not fall for that face?

_You would find her in a Polaroid picture  
>And she means everything to me. <em>

She suddenly stops talking and looks down at her hands, a rush of concern runs through my body and I shoot up. "Hey, what's wrong?"

She bites her lip and wrinkles appear on her forehead. Oh god damn it, she looks so cute when she does that. Focus Amy, she's not feeling well.

"Amy? Can I ask you a question?" I frown a bit, I wonder what this is about.

"Sure, anything. You know that."

She continues biting her lip and the wrinkles get more. "Do you think I'm attractive?"

My eyes go wide and my mouth opens a bit. "Oh Karma, I'm seriously the last person you should ask that."

Her eyes are glued to her hands, she doesn't even dare to look at me. "Please Amy, can you just answer my question?"

I take a deep breath and get a hold of her hand. "Karma, of course I think you're attractive, you're the most beautiful person on this planet." Her frown slowly disappears and is replaced by a soft smile, but she still doesn't look at me. "Why are you asking me anyway?"

Her smile disappears again and she shrugs. "I don't know, someone told me he thinks I'm attractive and I wasn't sure if he says the truth."

I tilt my head and squeeze her hand. "Do you want to tell me who said that?"

She shakes her head and breathes out a laughter. "Oh this is ridiculous, I can already hear your next question."

"Just tell me, Karma."

I sighs and purses her lips. "Liam."

I look at her for a couple of seconds until she finally looks at me. "Why did you ask me, Karma?"

She looks up to the sky and then back at me. "I don't know, I can trust you, I guess."

"You can trust me when I say you're attractive, but not your boyfriend? I honestly don't know what to think of that."

"You don't have to think anything of it, it's just me being silly. Just … forget that I ever asked."

I frown at her and I want to pull away my hand, but she holds it tight. "You're not silly, Karma. You're smart and amazing and I hope one day you'll see that, too." She looks at me and smiles that smile that was once only reserved for me.

_I'd never tell, no I'd never say a word  
>And oh it aches, but it feels oddly good to hurt.<em>

"Did I tell you that you're the best friend ever? Oh Amy, what would I ever do without you?" She squeezes my hand softly and I smile in return.

"You do say that quite often, but how can I argue with that? I simply am the best." I sound slightly sarcastic and she picks it up.

"You are Amy, don't play yourself down." She leans in to hug me and I hug her back, but there is this one thought that doesn't leave my mind. _If I'm the best, why did you pick him over me?_ But I know I shouldn't think that. "Oh, have you seen the last episode of Once Upon A Time? It was freaking amazing!"

The rest of lunch time we talk about TV shows and what the other one missed in the shows she didn't watch. It was amazing and it almost felt like there's only the two of us.

This whole day I couldn't think of anything else than this one question. _"Do you think I'm attractive?"_ Ho can a girl that is so damn beautiful and talented be so insecure? And why doesn't Liam make it go away? I don't get it, I really don't. If she doesn't feel on top of the world and like she's the best in everything, then she deserves better than him. Oh who am I kidding, she deserves better than him. She deserves way better. I know exactly that I shouldn't feel this way about my best friend and it sound so cocky even when I think it, but she deserves me. I can make her feel like she's the queen of this world, I can make her feel like she's floating above everybody else, because she is.

_You would find her in a Polaroid picture,  
>And she means everything to me<em>

My phone rings again, it's Shane. I blocked all his calls today I have to pick up eventually.

"Finally," he exclaims when I pick up.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing much, you know? Hey, I saw you hanging out with Karma today, you seemed off. I wanted to ask if everything's alright."

I sigh heavily, why can't I just put these damn feelings behind me? Why do they have to haunt me? Why does everybody ask about them? Of course I feel horrible about it, of course nothing's alright, but he can't do anything about it.

"No, everything's alright, really. I'm just tired I guess, I haven't slept that much lately." Fuck. I shouldn't have said that, now he thinks I'm devastated about Karma. Well I am, but when he says it, it sounds so pathetic.

"No sleep? What's keeping you awake, honey? Please don't tell me it's Karma." When he realized that I'm not gonna answer that he continues. "You should go out more, Amy. Meet people, have some fun. Forget everybody around you and just enjoy yourself."

I fight the urge to groan and roll my eyes instead.

"And don't you roll your eyes at me, you know I'm right."

God damn it, he's good. "I didn't roll my eyes. And I won't go out, I like it way more inside. And cozy. And with Netflix. I can't have that when I'm going out."

"Amy you can't be serious! You don't get over someone by staying in and staying up all night watching TV shows you watched together."

"You won't shut up until I say yes, will you?"

"Nope, so just say yes."

"Bye Shane." I end the call before he can protest. This guy can be annoying, you have no idea.

I lie down in my bed and try to get some sleep. But it doesn't work as always, I keep replaying the conversation in my head. Why is she like that? Why does she do this to my brain? To my heart for god's sake! She leaves me broken again with this simple question and she doesn't even realize it, because she's too broken herself. Geez we would be perfect for each other, really. Two broken socially awkward people who can't deal with people or ourselves, only with each other. I think I'm gonna die.

The next day in school is just like the day before and the day before and I could go on like that. My life is pretty monotone lately, I walk up to her locker, see him standing there and want to leave immediately. I really can't stand him and I don't know what she sees in him, I really don't.

I could describe the whole scenario again, how I walk through the halls without any orientation or destination, but I stop exactly 10 feet away from her locker, oh what are the odds? But I can't help it, seeing her standing there, searching through her untidy locker for her books that she already retrieved but forgot about them, going on her tip toes because she wears flats shoes for once in a while, to get better access to her locker. Which is completely unnecessary of her to do, because the locker is in perfect reach for her, but this is one of her small habits that I discovered over the years.  
>I want to go over there, tell her she's beautiful and hold her hand. Hold her hand forever and never letting go.<p>

_And I'll be okay, admiring from afar  
>Cause even when she's next to me we could not be more far apart.<em>

Right now it's not even her looks that I find beautiful, I mean of course she's gorgeous, but it's her movement, the ways she tilts her head in confusion and just alone the habit of keeping her locker messy and forgetting where she put things seconds after she puts them somewhere.

I take a deep breath and walk up to her. "Hey you."

She turns around and her simple smile blows me away again. It's like she erases everybody around us and it's just us two on this planet.

"Hey," she brushes her hand over my arm with such distinct movement and so comfortable, her hand has my goosebumps chasing behind it.

"I was wondering, do you want to come over later? Netflix night or something? I miss you terribly."

The smile on her face grows bigger and turns slowly into a grin. "I'd love to! Tonight? I'll bring the food! Oh god Amy, this is amazing!" She hug-tackles me and we almost fall over because I wasn't prepared for her attack. I stumble backwards a bit, but swing my arms quickly around her to steady the both of us a little.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd be so over the top with that." I say half laughing.

She pulls back and looks at me, holding me by the shoulders. "Are you kidding?! It feels like I didn't have my Amy-time in over a month, I'm in desperate need for a fix, the withdrawal is killing me."

Maybe I was wrong, maybe I don't need to keep her away from me, maybe I need to get her in my system a bit more, because right now I feel better than I have in weeks. This girl makes me happy and right now I don't even care that we're not together, I know that our friendship comes first, I know that she loves me, even if it's not the same love.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Even his voice makes me cringe and the hair in the back of my neck stands straight. Why him? Seriously why him?

I turn around to him and see a huge grin on his face, maybe he still thinks he can get a threesome at one point of this relationship. This thought makes me shiver and I shake my head.

"We're just planning girls night," Karma says smiling. She walks over to him and kisses him, thank god, only on the cheek. She then looks over to me and I think I can see a hint of concern on her face. Wait, does she suspect me having feelings again? I mean sure, she knows I don't like him, but that didn't stop her before, did it?

"Oh great, can I crash that?" Ugh is he for real? Doesn't he get the definition of a girls-night?

"Sorry babe, best friends only, I need my girl for myself tonight." She winks at him and I think I cringed again at the word babe. Liam pouts and her, but she just shakes her head with a playful smile. "I'm serious Liam, but we can hang out tomorrow if you want?" She looks over to me expectant. She doesn't want me to be there, does she? "What do you think, Amy? Group hang tomorrow?"

Oh god, she's serious, but no, I don't want to go out with her and Liam, I just want to hang out with her. "I'm sorry, I can't do tomorrow, promised my mother to help her with something."

She looks a bit disappointed when her smile goes back and she looks to the ground with pursed lips. "Well then another time."

"We have to get going babe, we have stuff to do, remember?" Liam grabs her hand quickly and starts walking away.

"See you tonight Amy, I can't wait" She says with a wink. And then they're both gone.

My door swings open and Karma stands there, holding a bag with all the goodies she brought. She wears this huge grin that says "I'm ready for everything you got". She jumps inside and on my bed.

"I'm literally so happy that we're doing this, I don't even remember our last girls-night." she starts emptying her bag on my bed. Cans of frosting, bag of chips and the infamous Twilight saga fall out of the bag.

"Do we have to do twilight tonight? How about we do something else? Like an easy movie, Wild Child maybe? We haven't watched it in ages."

She purses her lips and narrows her eyes, looking at me suspiciously. "If you want, fine. We can watch teenie movies. If you prefer normal watching over hate watching." She nudges my shoulder when I sit down next to her and smiles brightly at me. I kiss her on the cheek as a thank you and her smile widens even more.

_She tastes like birthday cake and story time and fall  
>But to her, I taste like nothing at all.<em>

I turn on the laptop and open Netflix to start the movie and she snuggles into me while I do it. My body burns on the places where she touches it and I shiver a bit. She looks up to me with a hint of concern shown in her eyes.

"Are you alright?" She reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers. My organs go crazy and I feel that in my body nothing is in it's right place. I feel my stomach twisting, my heart pumping, my lungs collapsing and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. But it feels so good at the same time and I don't want it to end.

"When you're with me, everything is perfect," I say, squeezing her hand. That makes her smile even more and I finally start the movie.

Just minutes into the movie she lifts my arm to put it around herself, so she can cuddle up to me, and she can take my hand in hers again. The laptop is on my lap, Karma is in my arm, her head on my chest, and I have to concentrate on my breathing that my heartbeat doesn't get out of control.

_She smells like lemongrass and sleep_

I take a deep breath to capture every little glimpse of her scent

_She takes like apple juice and peach_

I place a soft kiss on the top of her head and remind myself of all the kisses we shared when we were still together, and maybe, just maybe, we can have that again one day.

_You would find her in a Polaroid picture_

I still can't believe that the most beautiful person on this planet is lying in my arms, the girl that means the most to me, the girl that makes my world a better place.

_And she means everything to me_

I don't concentrate on the movie at all, I concentrate on the way her body moves when she laughs at Poppy, her favorite character of the movie, I concentrate on her breathing, like how her breath hitches when something cringe worthy happens, I concentrate on the small glimpses she gives me throughout the movie and how she traces patterns on my stomach under the covers.

It's weird to say it, but it really does feel oddly good to hurt.


End file.
